Gather round kiddies for I have an important life lesson to impart and the angry mob outside screaming for my death aren’t going to wait patiently forever.

The IT industry is much like the school yard or, so I’m informed by Hollywood, the prison yard. In order to gain respect from those around one, one has to take the initiative and take down the biggest kid before he or she takes down you.

It’s with this in mind that I’ve spent quite a significant amount of my time and effort insulting those around me.

Collected below for your attentive study, are a collection of some my more recent attempts to bludgeon those around me into submission:
(All typos, misspellings and vague hints at grand treason have both their rights reserved and their copyright… umm… righted)

Evidence ‘A’:
REDMOND, Washington – Feb. 4. 2010 – Microsoft Corp today announced a shift away from the IT industry.

CEO Steve Balmer was quoted earlier today as saying "For the last few years we’ve been coming up with great innovations and providing people with some really great technology but I think we can do even better. A few months ago, I was sitting at home, enjoying a peanut butter sandwich and I thought myself ‘Wow. This is a really good peanut butter sandwich!’. Literally within a minute, I was on the phone to Rob, Bob and Ray explaining how good this sandwich really was. They, of course, were equally enthusiastic about my sandwich related discovery and we began thinking of how we could harness this amazing resource for the benefit of our customers."

Microsoft will cease trading as a IT company from March 1st and move across to being one of the world’s most advanced food production companies. Customers of products such as SharePoint, Office and the Xbox 360 can now look forward exciting new ventures such as ShareNuts, OfficeDrink and the eagerly anticipated EggBox 360.

Shawn Hargraeves, one of the senior engineers in the newly formed eXtreme Nut Allergy (XNA) division explains how the transition is a natural progression for Microsoft:

"The transition is a natural progression for Microsoft."

Community Manager and Experienced Lid Opener, Kathleen Sanders, went on to explain in great detail on how she agrees:

"I agree."

Kathleen continued with "Within in our Indie games development community, we’ve been receiving request after request to stop providing great technology and start providing great mid-afternoon snacks. It’s with this in mind that we’re especially excited about our new SaaS solutions. We believe ‘Software as a Sultana’ is a revolution in the world of post-lunch-snacking."

Evidence ‘B’:
A service to my peers

As a small service to those of us who don’t have the pleasure of residing in NSW and thus attending tonight’s "Great Debate" event organised by Tim, I am forwarding a small transcript of the night’s events as predicted by scientists over the at the Readify Time Labs:

An overhead light suddenly pierces through the musty darkness from above. A crowd of sweaty figures line the spotlight’s edge.

In a slow booming voice comes "Welcome… to Tech Club!"
"I am your host, Tim Burgess, and tonight promises to be an epic battle of brains and brawn as we tackle some of the biggest questions… in manner that only we in the IT industry know how."

Two figures push slowly through the crowd to emerge through at opposite sides of the circle.

"In the red, we have the Mediterranean Mauler, …"
The shorter, more muscular of the two figures standing in the light raises his arm in recognition and gives a knowing nod of confidence to the crowd.
"a man who doesn’t know the meaning of fear… absquatulate, logomachy, unigeniture or sinistrodextral…"
He lower his hand, wriggles in discomfort slightly at the tight fit of the neon yellow mankini and adjusts the ribbon on each of his pigtails.
"a man who knows no fear and yet all lyrics to Barbra Streisand’s latest album, it’s…"
A pregnant pause fills the air.
"…Ducas, The spandex sporran of Sydney, Francis!"

The crowd erupts into a deafening circle of cheers and applause before settling once more into quite anticipation.

"In the blue corner, we have the Serious Slugger of the Shire, …"
From the opposite side of the circle, the other figure raises his hand in an equally confident gesture to the crowd.
"a man who never backs down in the face of danger, jeopardy or a really painful cramp in the calf muscle, …"
A small dismissive grunt accompanies the slow donning of the gloves and ears to complete the svelte fluffy bunny suit.
"a man who once admitted a passion for the little known off-Broadway theatre production: ‘Jar Jar Binks – A character study through mime’, it’s …"
Small gasps encircle the room.
"… Richard, The furry fists of fluff, Banks!"

The room explodes once more into an enthusiastic wall of cheering and clapping.

"Before you," the announcer bellows across the noise "are two of the legends of our industry. Each with their own brand of fighting, each with their autographed copies of ‘Balmer: An erotic tale of passion’, each with a need to win! Tonight, ladies and gentleman, is going to be a showdown like no other!"

Both contestants move to the centre of the ring. Facing each other with cold hard expressions of confidence. Both carrying a electronic buzzer in one hand and small teddy bear in the other.

Three loud metallic dings ring through the air. Each man bares his teeth in a menacing grimace. The fight is on.

Who will win? Who will return to his family with pride, honour and $20 gift certificate from Al’s House of Pickle?

Tune in tomorrow as all is revealed (not least of which, the answer to the all important question: can I run faster than Mr Francis and Mr Banks?)

Evidence ‘C’:
Musings over trading cards

With trading cards comes the image of people playing with trading cards…

The air hangs heavy over the big round table. Scattered across its surface are the long dead remains of meals and drinks past.
Around the perimeter of the table sits four players. Each discreetly peering at the competition over his cards.
No one moves or speaks. The idle pleasantries and chatter died out hours ago. Now it’s just the serious matter of the game.

A smirk creeps along the face of one of players.

"I’ll play… my ‘Mitch Denny’," he says as he slaps the card to the table’s surface.
"for it’s +4 EntLib Defensive is surely enough to see my party through the much feared Swamps of Enterprise".

The table ponders the move for a few moments before another player casually flicks a card to the table.

"Well if you’re going to make a run for it, I guess it’s up to me to remain and make a stand. One ‘Paul Stovell’ with a +5 LINQ Expression and…"
Another card drops to the table.
"… a surprise tag team attack of D20 Inversion of Control with my level 15 ‘Richard Banks’!"

"Oy! You can’t play a ‘Richard Banks’ here!"
"Why not?"
"It’s still recovering from the D20 ‘Scrumm-butting’ it suffered in the last round."
"Oh yeah…. Doh. Forgot about that. It’s armour’s still naff anyway from that brutal SharePoint’ing it received a few turns back. Oh well. Back to the drawing board."

Silence descends across the table once more for a few minutes before "…Don’t suppose you’d let me play my ‘Deadly Ducas Double Commerce Server Pipelining of Terror’ move now by any chance?"

And to think people used to worry about kids playing Dungeons and Dragons.

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